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Monday, April 9th, 2007
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4:04 am - i haven't died
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| Sunday, May 14th, 2006
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5:35 pm
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back home.
and i'm already too bored to be alive
but i am
so i will write something relatively pointless.
it's nice to be back home, i miss the freedom of staying out until whenever. i guess since i've been away, i've sort of lost the concept of a "decent hour" but that will change with time.
maybe.
tomorrow i box up ol' crabtree cause the store is being remodeled.
at least i get some dollars. lord knows i need them.
my dad has been driving me crazy. three days back home and we fight nearly everyday. our personalities just clash. i mean, the man is brilliant and i admire him, but sometimes it takes all my strength to refrain from screaming at him. he's been picking on me ever since the second i got in the car to go home.
anyway, last few days at york weren't bad, it was weird leaving the room so empty. and i'd never be back to that room. which also feels weird. i guess it hasn't exactly hit me that i'm not leaving home for a few months. it will once i start unpacking.
i heard some girl talking about grad school, and how she was worried about getting in and she went on this terrible tangent about basically the failures that are human existence. and it all started cause she wasn't sure her GPA would be high enough. then that got me to start thinking:
i'm not really worried about grad school, not that i think there is no way i won't get in, cause there is that possibilty that i won't, but for some reason it doesn't seem like such a big deal, in the larger scope of things. and i know i might not get into my top schools, but you know, there is most likely some school out there that will take me. and while i was thinking about that, i started to think more and what i came to was:
sometimes i hate people.
i know that is a terribly selfish thing to say, but recognize that i, in fact, recognize, that i am a person. therefore, i will be the first to admit that i hate myself.
it's just that when i listen to people talk about everything that is horrible in their lives, and their lives, their problems aren't very different from my own, i realize that i am terribly lucky. i'm lucky that the things i get to worry about are if i'm starting to get fat, or if i'm ugly, or am i going to get into grad school, is my boyfriend going to break up with me, if i got that tattoo how long could i hide it before my dad found out?
i am so lucky. i'm glad that those things are my worry-options.
i have the ability to justify everything
every feeling
thought (irrational or not)
desire
goal
fear
love
i can make everything work or fit into my head. i guess i just have a need to make things connect. i believe in letting things happen. i don't like to plan. and maybe that's why everything doesn't seem so big, i've been living the "what happens, happens" life and i try to make the best out of whatever happens. i don't do that with everything, just with a lot of things. like some of those listed above.
speaking of the list above, i want to go back to that "love" word.
what a scary word.
i've been dating a boy for 8 months now, i know it's not THAT long, but it's the longest anyone has kept me around. and the boy is really wonderful. it's weird because i think i do love him, but it's not like, the insane powerful movie love, it's more like, "this is someone that i can be goofy around and that i just want to be with" kind of love.
and i worry a lot about how long we were going to last
but yesterday i realized really how much he has meant to me, and i that i won't sit around thinking it was a lost cause because we don't get to see each other as often as i know i would like to. i won't doom things with thinking. even if it is long distance, it seems worth it, somehow, i can't explain. even if we break up, he'll always be very special and important to me. it won't be like the other guys i dated where afterward i would try to figure out what i ever saw in them and want to cut them out of my life completely...well, at least i hope this one won't be like that. i don't know how long i'll be with him, but as of right now, i'm glad that i am.
anyway, this entry is long, so i'll stop.
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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1:51 pm - sunday.
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3 more days.
home can't come soon enough.
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| Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
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5:09 pm - sunday.
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i've decided that i will only update on sundays.
unless something super exciting and awesome happens
then the rule might change.
school is almost done.
how strange, two weeks left of classes
then exams
then summer.
then right back at the beginning.
i'm not going to lie, this has been one crazy, boring
(sometimes interesting) year.
i hope that next year is a little more exciting
i plan on being slightly more social.
just slightly.
i have really enjoyed my classes this semester
except for design and analysis
i hated that class.
i'm sitting here being all reflection
i also hate that
i think it do it too often.
severe lack of inspiration to write
haven't written in a new poem in months.
so i might just shut up and read
or nap
or eat.
this is pointless.
i'll just read your days.
current music: Mum
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| Sunday, April 16th, 2006
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11:00 pm
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where was i when everyone just left?
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| Sunday, April 9th, 2006
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4:19 pm
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what will your verse be?
what will i do?
i have, honestly, not a clue.
and it scares the shit out of me.
to think, that here i am, 20 in 2 months
and i am completely lost.
i will, once again, be honest:
i am not happy.
i am not happy with where i am
but i don't know what would make me happy
sure there are silly things that i think of that might
MIGHT
make me happy.
and i have no reason to be unhappy
i think that is why this unhappiness hurts so much
i have a decent family
nice friends
i have good health
enough food, money, time
but something is missing
i don't know what it is
i'll be constantly searching for something
or maybe i already am.
it seems that way
that i will never be able to find happiness.
i just want to have a place
or importance
i guess it is normal to want our lives to have value
not fame, glory, or anything like that
but am i doing what i want to do?
no.
i am doing what is expected of me
what is acceptable
what has been planned out for me.
will anyone ever love me?
love.
i hate that word.
why does it have to be so much?
i just want to know what that would feel like
to have someone love me.
to love someone.
i am wary of everyone's motives.
a dangerous pasttime.
trying to read people.
usually i'm right though
maybe i make myself right?
i know people. i can see them completely
but i have found someone that i can't read at all
found someone who has kept me around for 7 months now
(that’s longer than anyone has ever stayed with me)
they keep surprising me
and it's scary.
i think that i like them too much to draw conclusions about their character
i used to think that i knew them just fine
but now i'm nervous
always nervous and wondering
when will they get bored
or tired
or fed up
or lose interest
they have been acting different these days,
it’s particularly hard because of the “long distance”
that goes before the word, “relationship”
and it’s tough when you can only see the person
every once in a while,
but i care about him more than i’ve ever cared about a boy before.
and i think it’s worth it.
so, it is scary for me, but i guess i’ll just have to wait and see.
i find myself overly concerned with the idea of being alone
but don't i drive the solitude?
with my behavior?
what i say?
how i feel?
i don't want to do anything anymore
i just don't see the point.
the point...
i always want to think that i am strong
but i'm not.
i am terrified.
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| Monday, January 16th, 2006
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2:47 am - listen: i'll try not to be breathe.
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empty. empty.
sleepy
and sick.
screaming
pay attention,
pay attention.
i'm only going to
think this
once.
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| Saturday, December 24th, 2005
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9:54 pm - happy almost christmas
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so, what has happened?
-um, went skiing, totally kicked ass at it
-worked
-patched things up with someone i hurt
-worked
-got an alphabet book..about the comical deaths of children..from my boss
and a book about bunnies committing suicide in various comical ways from an old friend
(should i be worried that people see these things and immediately think of me?)
-i like them though
-Terri somehow found a Leonard Cohen book i HAVEN'T read
-worked
-had the best pizza ever
-had a long, interesting talk with my dad and jeff
-missed people
-updated journal.
-and will watch movies and probably cry cause i'm girl
-really, a girl.
then tomorrow i will have christmas, which last about a half an hour anyway, really.
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| Sunday, December 18th, 2005
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11:03 pm - for those of you who might be interested:
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I will be at home (Columbia) from tomorrow
Until the 18th of January
Stephanie hours will be made available upon request.
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| Thursday, November 24th, 2005
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9:39 am - UN-happy Thanksgiving
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everyone enjoy all your wonderful food.
i'll just be sitting around complaining about my mouth.
it's what i've been doing for the past week.
shouldn't i be healed by now?
damn wisdom teeth.
damn holidays.
....
haha
love and happy holidays,
ms. stephanie riley
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| Sunday, November 20th, 2005
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8:58 pm - time.
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i'm going to be 20 my birthday
twenty
2
0
that two comes into play.
two decades of life. gone.
i'm scared to death.
i have until june
but still
twenty.
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| Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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2:24 am - hahaha
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i couldn't sleep.
so i took this quiz
then posted the results.
and laughed a little.
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stephanie took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Wants to establish herself and make an impact desp..."
Click here to read the rest of the results.
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current music: regina spektor "uh-merica"
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| Sunday, September 18th, 2005
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11:41 am - odd.
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so i had this dream about an old friend in florida, we were at school
and i yell her name, but she ignores me and i yell it again and run to catch up with her
when i get there i say, "didn't you hear me?"
she looks so shocked, almost disgusted and then keeps walking
i'm confused so i ask her whats wrong
and she says, "stephanie, people change sometimes and that means that you have to change too. it's all just different now."
i look so hurt, i say, "so you want me to just go away?"
and she says, "i just can't be seen with someone like you."
i start crying and nod my head and walk away
then i wake up.
current music: the smiths "some girls are bigger than others"
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| Sunday, August 21st, 2005
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6:04 pm - my friends, my habits, my family.
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i feel like i've aged ten years in the past three days
just lots of thinking and talking
but surprisingly positive thinking
which is quite a relief.
i think that i'm much more functional than i once imagined.
i leave for York in 5 days.
and i can't wait.
i'm a little scared to be away from home, but i'll have merry
and justin.
so i won't be alone.
so much going on in my head
i've got big plans
big plans.
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| Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
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2:27 am - come on bartender.
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"come on bartender
won't you be more tender
give me two shots of whiskey
and a beer chaser
love will be the death of me
love is so fair
cause it starts with a flower
and it ends with a tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-tr-trtrickle
come on bartender
just a little more tender
i ate all your peanuts
return me to sender
happen to gander
now I'm barely standing
just call me a taxi
and prepare me for landing
ooh, you have got to kick me back out
into the cold and nasty weather
and maybe if i sober up
i will stop pretending that love is forever
love is forever
come on bartender
love will be the death of me"
hooray for regina spektor
current music: the only singer i listen to these days.
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| Saturday, August 13th, 2005
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8:58 pm - The Past Few Days.
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the past few days have been BAD
i don't even want to get into it
they've just been, gahh!
day after stupid day
everything keeps exploding in my face
and i'm really just tired
and frustrated
and ready to leave home
i don't know what people expect from me
cause i try
but i'm not perfect, i don't claim to be anywhere close
it's like, i feel like i need to just vent
but i don't want to come off annoying or anything
i'm just tired of people
and of me.
and today's my brother's birthday
i tried to act cheery for him
my attempts failed.
i need to get some good days.
current music: modest mouse "dark center of the universe"
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| Thursday, August 11th, 2005
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3:12 pm - warped tour is LAME.
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well, it was considerably too hot.
and almost passing out
is, let's face it, extremely embarrassing...
and a million scene kids?
uh. not my....scene.
(i don't even know what the scene is, so i don't know why i'm even using that word)
haha, there were even tables for your complete scenification
if you came in and weren't NEARLY enough so.
but Emery is amazing live
And A Thorn For Every Heart remembered me from their last concert
which made me awesome for like second.
and Karmella's Game was pretty good too.
...i actually think they were my favorite.
yes, they were.
and i did go with awesome people-s.
but that's all.
love,
stephanie.
current music: regina spektor "daniel cowman"
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| Friday, August 5th, 2005
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11:31 am - things that have happened since the last time i updated about anything
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that involved me
and made sense.
i always think about updating this thing, but the appeal is less and less.
i mainly keep up with it so that people know that i have yet to die.
but i like to keep up with everyone else's lives, even though it depresses me to think that if it weren't for livejournal, i'd have no clue about anything anyone has been through.
so, anyway, things that have happened:
one thing, mostly.
things ended between me and the guy i had been "kinda, sorta dating" for a while now, and by a while, i mean, basically just the summer.
things did not end gracefully i must say
i did something not-so-characteristic of myself, i acted out on a feeling instead of thinking.
but to be honest, i was just tired of thinking
although, i don't think i handled the entire situation well at all
but i don't know, i just did something, because it felt right
i wasn't thinking about anything
except, in the moment or something.
it's quite ridiculous and dumb of me, i suppose, but i don't know, i think it's ultimately for the best.
i just want to know when all of these guy situations started, i still don't see what their deal is, i'm not supposed to have these problems, i'm supposed to go through life completely unseen, or at least that was my secret plan. but it's kinda backfired a little.
just a little, i'm still virtually unnoticed, judging for the number of people who don't respond when i greet them at the store.
and in a matter of weeks i'll be away at school, me and merry have all our dorm stuff, which is quite exciting, cause now it feels more like, "yeah, i'm going away!"
i really should leave the library and go to work, but let's face it, i really don't feel like going to work
(my last day of work is August 14th.)
so, um, i guess i'm going to go now
considering this is of no importance,just mainly a string of thoughts
that's a little frayed at the end.
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| Thursday, August 4th, 2005
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12:04 am - To Justin, On Your Birthday.
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Justin,
You're 19 today.
And i'm sure it feels like every birthday before
(i know it did for me)
but that's beside the point...
here's to just saying that you are incredible
and that you mean a lot to me
and i don't get to see you as much as i'd like
(but, oh, how that is changing next year)
the times that we got to spend together were always amazing
(regina, shakespeare, social security, records, coffee)
and i just wanted to let you know
on your birthday
that you are amazing
and i miss you
and i hope that you have a great birthday
and this isn't as beautiful and as incredible as i'd like it to be
but it's simple
and yeah, it's nothing i haven't said before.
so, yep.
happy justin day
love,
stephanie.
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| Friday, July 29th, 2005
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11:47 pm - somedays
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somedays you just want to die.
i let them play the martyr this time.
and yeah, i was the one who screwed up.
but everything falls back
and i'm on the other end in this one.
now i know how it all feels.
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